The Entry
by Orokid
Summary: Sei, uncharacteristically, writes down what she's thinking in a journal, or diary, and comes to terms with a few things...  Bad summary, better story I hope.  Please read.


**Orokid**_: I know that this is a bit out of character for the one that I had chose, but I had changed this into what it is now from a writing prompt that had been in my books. So I'm sorry, for anyone who's looking to flame me- I'm just forewarning you all now that it's a little weird. Also… I think I have some bits of information wrong. If you see any, message me through reviews or private messaging and tell me- I'll go and fix it right away. Thanks._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own Maria-sama Ga Miteru, whether I want to or not, and I do not claim ownership either. This belongs to the writer(s) and the studio that made it into it's awesome anime form._

_Please enjoy it!_

**The Entry**

Dear diary-

I daydream about her, the one I know I can't have. It's sometimes hard not to, and my mind travels from one thing to another, and then finally ending the process right where it had begun. Every class I go to, every hour that ticks by, I have her on my mind.

The sad part is that I don't even know where it had all started. And the other part? Well, the truth is… I can never have a chance with her. I'm a year younger. I'm serious or immature (and never at the right time). I'm imperfect, stubborn, usually fighting with my mother over one thing or another. What haven't I mentioned? Oh yeah…

I'm a woman too.

In today's society, one might assume that a relationship between those of a similar sex is an accepted thing. But no, you are quite undoubtedly wrong if you believe that this is a truth. In some homes, parents may love their children no matter who or what they are. In some homes, the child in question may or may not be thrown out from the homes they had grown up in.

In my personal experience, my mother (who has always been a single parent to both my older sister and I) has always had a wisecrack to be made about homosexuality. Never has she been able to find comfort when near or surrounded by anyone who lives a lifestyle different from heterosexuality, different from the life she had grown up in. My mother smiles and laughs whenever she is spoken to by someone who is gay, and I suppose people think that she is tolerant of such beings as I. If they could only hear the things she says in private to my sibling and I, then they will know just how much of a fake that she really is. My mother has told me personally (probably due to her suspicious that I might be turning) that she would rather die than have a daughter in love with another woman.

I suppose that since I can recognize the 'scale of hawtness' that my mother and sister live their lives by, it's the only thing that has kept me alive in this cage of vipers. I'm merely a non-poisonous garden snake wearing the shell shed from the monsters I live with.

Well, in all truths, I'm just glad that (in a comparative sense) I'm still a species of snake, unlike what others might assume about myself and others who live in a way disliked by much of the older generations. And, much like that idea, I'm just as human as any other person in the world- just a different type of one than many of the rest.

Would anyone believe that I just continue to confuse myself the more that I write? Probably, now that I actually think about it, but that would mean that my babbling would have to cease and this little book of pages would've been bought for nothing more than sorting out ideas and drawing whatever one might deem believable at that point in time.

So maybe- just maybe- I should get on with the story at hand (whatever it is), to save us both from the headache that may or may not ensue.

It had all started when I woke up one morning, having dreamt of things that shall and will forever remain unspoken of for the sake of the younger readers I may have. Of course, if they had a mind filled with perversion, than I have no right to limit their imagination, huh? Sorry, off topic again… Really need to fix that aspect of myself…

Anyway, I had awoken from my pleasant dreams with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that was quite the opposite, and I couldn't even pinpoint as to why it had felt that way. As usual, I shook off the feeling of foreboding, thinking that it was wiser not to trust that unfaithful gut of mine. It had been too often that I had trusted it with all of my being, only to have it fail me in the end, so I personally didn't feel like it was that necessary for me to believe it this time.

Guess that's why the cut is so much deeper when you find out that you should have stayed in bed and under the covers, safe from the demons that bind you to your pre-existing fate. It's a slap in the face that you're just not ready for, and you don't know how to react to it other than look at disappointment with wide eyes and an open mouth.

You're confused, aren't you? Then again, so am I. Maybe that's why I'm babbling like I am, as if no one cares that I'm avoiding the true subject by obsessively talking. Maybe. Just… maybe.

Okay, you're right; I'm avoiding the subject and letting my attention wander too much. And you're right; I'm not as confused as you are right now, so I can't precisely say that I understand where you're coming from. It's been wrong of me to assume that I do, and I suppose that I should apologize for doing it over and over and over again.

Anyway…

I suppose I should just start my story off from where it had truly begun, even if the start of my story has gone so many places already.

I can remember that day as clearly as one can remember what had happened an hour ago- not entirely second by second, not as detailed, but still completely there in my mind like a memory that refuses to be forgotten. I had been young, around my second year at Saint Lillian's Academy, a catholic school I had no intention of caring about since my mother had only sent me there to just have me away. Every rule that I had been told, each prayer I had been ordered to remember… each word had gone through one ear and out the other, and I didn't want to hear anything more than what I had- nothing. I didn't want to learn because the world didn't seem to want me as anything but a toy that it could play with. Since birth, I had been positive that I had wanted to be no one's pawn, and I have lived that view of life ever since. If they wanted me to be tamed, than I would need one brave soul to try- and, more than likely, fail.

But… that was until that day long ago, when my world had seemed to halt almost instantly. I had tried to pretend that the angel at the alter had been a figment of my imagination, something God had cooked up for me to see and make me believe in the bull those teachers had already tried to hoist into my head. Some had merely gotten more persistent, and- at that moment- I believed that He had turned on me and joined with the teachers.

I hadn't understood it at the time, but he had given me more than a prank for me to be bitter about until my old age.

Throughout the course of time, I had ended up learning about my angel, and she had found that living on the wild side with me wasn't as bad as others might have thought. I was the first one to make her laugh in a long time since she had been left in the care of the church, she had told me once, and I had felt at my proudest for the longest of days afterwards. Still, I hadn't known that she had been feeling wrong about the changes that had been happening between the two of us- the friendship turned more, that forbidden love that had sprouted, those kisses that I'm sure scared her more than life itself… She had kept herself quiet about those rampant emotions that she had within, and I had done nothing to quite them- I had only intensified them by frightening her all the more by asking her to do the impossible.

I'm surprised now that I hadn't realized then that she wasn't going to show up that night at the station. I should have known more than anyone that her religion and faith, due to her growing up in such a catholic environment, had meant more to her than I ever had, if not on par. The fact was that I hadn't taken the time to see beyond myself prior to then, and she had given me the insight to do such as that.

It had ended up as one can guess- we had spilt immediately after the moment she hadn't shown, and I never saw her since that moment when I had asked of her to come with me. Part of me is still bitter, although the more mature part- the one that she helped grow- feels as though she had done me a service instead of a never-ending regret that would never be given the chance to be lived out.

She helped me grow, whether it looks like it or not, and I'm thankful for it- and I don't care what anyone else says to me about it.

I'm now in my second year of college, four years since I had met that woman that had left me without a trace, and I still haven't felt regretful for allowing her to leave. My mother, who is oh so loving… Well, I guess one doesn't always have that paternal instinct when it comes to something different, right? Anyway, I've recently moved in with someone- Kei- and she's been the nicest person one has ever been to someone, and I don't know how I could ever live without her as I had before. Throughout our year of friendship, she had led me to speak about _her_, the one I still refuse to say I love, much like Yumi had back during my last year at Saint Lillian's. While I don't like to admit it, I had still been grieving, even I even known at the time. Kei had pointed it out ever so bluntly and then kindly helped me receive the talks I had wanted to share so many times before with my friends. It's been nice to finally talk so freely, you know, and she's probably going to be the one to steal my heart away much like _she_ had years ago. And I'll be ready this time- but not to lose her like I had with my last love. I'm holding on strongly, and she better be ready to hold on too.

So… I guess that I'll just daydream about her another time, diary. When I'm old and smelly and can't walk without the assistance of a family member or a cane… that's when I'll do it.

By the way, diary… I never did believe that diaries or journals or anything were good for much at all- I guess Kei proved me wrong again.

Yours truly,

_Sei Saito_

PS- You can only live the life you want to lead and fight for- I've learned that in the past four years, and you nosy readers should to. Anyway, finally signing off. Later!

_**FIN**_

**Orokid**_: So what do you all think? As I stated earlier, if there's a mistake, I hope you'll tell me- I'd appreciate it. Thanks. PS- I hope you review whether there's a mistake or not…_


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